I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
