I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
