I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
