I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
