When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
