The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
