I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
