she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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