people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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