The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
