There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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