i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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