Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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