Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
