what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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