Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
