So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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