dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
