I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
