Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
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tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
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I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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