You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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