Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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