so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
