I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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