the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
