I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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