I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
