It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Randomize
