My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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