why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
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i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
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I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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