i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
