he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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