can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
