Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
