The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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