I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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