I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
