My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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