i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He uses pillows to masturbate.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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