you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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