upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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