sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Randomize
