hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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