I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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