R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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