I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
