Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
