I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
