so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
did i walk over a car last night?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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