So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Randomize
