i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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