I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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