Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We are all done wearing pants today
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
