I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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