sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
