I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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