On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
